A Real Christian Grey Talks About BDSM and Fifty Shades

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By A.C. Rose

As fans get ready for a peek into the Red Room of Pain with the release of the film adaption of Fifty Shade Darker, seems like a good time for a little sneak peek into the life of a real dominant. I located such a man in San Francisco and asked him to, um, enlighten me.

Danarama, as he is known in BDSM circles, is not a billionaire who looks like Jamie Dornan, but he is an experienced Master who has lived the BDSM (Bondage & Discipline, Sadomasochism) lifestyle for over 25 years and now teaches kinky sex techniques in instructional videos. Part of his mission is to show people how to act out their favorite parts of Fifty Shades of Grey via a collection of instructional videos called 50 Skills of Grey.

A former VP of Marketing for small companies, Danorama went from working in a vanilla corporate world to teaching about kink and pleasure. His rope skills originated in his rock climbing days and grew over 12 years as part of the rope bondage instruction duo Two Knotty Boys. These days he considers himself a BDSM generalist — instructing on everything from the importance of a woman’s g-spot (and how to find it!) to how to learn Fifty Shades of Grey impact play — which may include a riding crop, a flogger, a belt, and a spanking.

I interviewed Danarama for CafeMom about the life of a dominant and his thoughts on Fifty Shades of Grey when the first movie came out.

What exactly is a male dominant?
A male dominant — or the female equivalent, a dominatrix — is someone who takes the “top” role in a consensual power exchange relationship or play session, usually between two persons where one is dominant and the other submissive or “bottom,” or one is sadistic (enjoys inflicting pain) while the other masochistic (enjoys receiving pain). At the upper end of this dynamic, one is the Master and the other enjoys serving as a slave.

How does one decide to become a Dom, anyway?
People discover their desire for this type of interaction and decide on their role through any number of ways. Many in the BDSM lifestyle can point to a seminal moment in their lives when they realized that kinky or dominant/submissive concepts appealed to them. Whether it was a scene in a movie they saw, or while playing role-based or physical games, or dreams and fantasies, or even through the suggestion of their lover, there is usually a moment or series of moments that the person found distinctly arousing. It may take them years to explore those feelings and seek more, but once the genie is out of the bottle, many find their wishes come true if they find a compatible partner in the complementary role.

So, did you actually read Fifty Shades of Grey?
Yes. I’ve read the novel Fifty Shades of Grey … I wanted to compare its fiction to the reality of BDSM, educate its readers about the techniques depicted, and correct any misconceptions or inaccuracies the book puts forth. In fact, Kink University created a 14-part video series that specifically explains these skills and concepts.

We’ve heard a lot about ‘vanilla sex’ as compared to kinky sex, do the twains ever meet for you? Do you only enjoy BDSM or do you splash in a little vanilla romance from time to time?
BDSM is simply part of the entire spectrum of lifestyle and romance in my life. That’s how it is for most people. Sure, I like a good, hard, kinky sex session — but making sweet, tender love with my partner is equally awesome. That’s the nice thing about BDSM. It only adds to your available repertoire of sensuality. You don’t have to give anything up — even vanilla sex in the missionary position and the lights off, if that’s what gets you both off.

Maybe you can enlighten us on some of the sex play in the book, such as blindfolding, spanking, handcuffing, getting tied up, using a riding crop, sex toys, and of course, silver balls. Are those items you have or would use with a submissive?
These are all pretty basic tools of the trade, so yes, I have used all of these — sometimes in the same session. You can see how these very tools and toys are used in actual BDSM encounters by watching our new how-to tutorials on 50 Skills of Grey. The wonderful thing about these items is they add a whole new dynamic spectrum to sensuality. The more of these tools you can enjoyably use in an encounter, the more diverse your passion can be. That’s one of the nice things about BDSM. It gives couples more to do. It makes things less boring because there’s always something else to share. And if you or your partner winds up not liking one tool, toy, or game, there are so many other things to try. BDSM takes the ceiling off of passion.

There have been some complaints from the BDSM world that Christian Grey misrepresents the true role of a dominant. What are your thoughts?
I don’t think he misrepresented being a dominant. It’s just that most dominants are more passionate about their dominance and would not settle for a partner who seemed as tentative about submitting, especially in a city like Seattle where eager submissives abound. For someone who claims his “tastes are very singular,” he certainly sells himself short — and that’s a rare trait for a dominant.

In your world, what Fifty Shades-inspired kink are women and couples seeking to learn?
That’s as widely varied as the women themselves. In my experience, most of the women who are drawn to the submissive role in BDSM are very strong, intelligent individuals who control a lot in their lives. They are career women, mothers, health care workers, even teachers. What they get from a submissive BDSM dynamic is the release — or the challenge — of relinquishing control to another. Couples should always be looking for ways to keep passion and sex fresh, and Fifty Shades of Grey makes a good starting point for exploring ways kink can add to their romantic repertoire.

One of the ways Christian kept Ana on the edge was she never knew what he would do next. How much is the creation of anticipation part of a real Dom’s experience?
That depends on the encounter. Sometimes a couple agrees to do a specific type of scene, be it a rope suspension, needle play, or spanking. In these cases, surprises are not always safe or even welcome. However, building anticipation can be a wonderful part of a free-form scene, where improvisation — within the submissive’s limits — creates a very dynamic experience. This is especially easy to do using sensory deprivation techniques, such as blindfolds.

For the unenlightened, what does it feel like to dominate someone?
Dominants experience different rewards or feelings from engaging in BDSM. For sadists, some find a cathartic and physical release of stress by taking out aggression upon a consenting partners who enjoy experiencing pain for their own catharsis or other reasons. Good BDSM is always symbiotic like that. Other dominants are more service-oriented, playing their role or plying their craft as a form of expression, approval, or even for the fulfillment of their submissive. Still others enjoy the power they feel at being able to control another’s sensations, actions, lifestyle choices, or sexuality — in a way that’s desired by their submissive. That consensual quid pro quo is what makes BDSM different from abuse. It’s honestly enjoyed by both.

Have you ever had a contract with a sub? How do you make agreements?
Yes, I have had such contracts, but usually a contract indicates ownership, such as the terms between a Master and slave. In typical arrangements which are less formal, couples negotiate on the activities, toys, and their limits. Negotiating can be as simple as a brief conversation before a scene, or as thorough as completing a long negotiation form where each topic, item, and limit is spelled out.

Does sex play in your role as a Dom usually culminate in a penetrative sexual experience? Or oral sex? Or an orgasm? In general, for your or your partner, is that a final goal?
In BDSM, sexual contact, like any aspect of the play, is negotiated and consented to beforehand and even during the encounter. When I do BDSM with my lovers, it usually involves sex. However, when I am doing BDSM activities such as rope bondage or impact play, in a more public setting or with a new partner, this almost never involves any type of sexual contact.

Learn more: Catch Danarama in action any given day at KinkUniversity.com and, also, 50SkillsofGrey.com.

Written by A.C. Rose for The Stir. A.C. Rose is a sex and love columnist and author of erotic romances. Her latest book is AROUSAL.

 

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Hilarious Video! Gay Men Analyze ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

You have to watch this video, “Fifty Shades of Gay.”

I am laughing my ass off. Someone gathered a group of gay men to read from and comment on Fifty Shades of Grey. Their natural reaction to talking about Christian Grey’s erection, Ana Steele’s “sex,” blow jobs, anal beads, and all the eroticism in the book is hilarious.

Kristen Proby Book Give-Away and Chat Tonight

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By A. C. Rose

Join us for a live author chat at Fifty Shades of Grey News, July 31, 2014, 9 pm EST.

I fell in love with Kristen Proby’s writing style and characters with her first novel, Come Away With Me, in 2012. In that book, Natalie Conner, the photographer, runs into Luke Williams, the gorgeous, hot movie star, and they, after some confusion and conflict, of course, have a delicious relationship and fall in love.

They also kick off the “With Me In Seattle Series,” which has made Kristen Proby a best-selling author and a beloved fan favorite.

In each book she brings together another sexy duo—from a growing and extended family of connected characters—for love, lust, and romance. Luke and Nat are still very much together and in love! And other favorite characters continue to pop in and interact. There are many fun, big family gatherings to enjoy with the Montgomery clan—in addition to some seriously great romance and sex between the hero and heroine of each tale.

We love her characters, who, as she puts it, are “strong women who don’t necessarily need saving, and gorgeous, alpha-type men who want to save them anyway.”

And did I mention that every male member of the family — from the Montgomery brothers to the Montgomery sons-in-law — are All So Freakin’ Hot! And the best lovers. And many of them are kinda rich and famous, too, bringing a little glitz to the family tree.

The women are gorgeous and full of sass and humor. They all start out a little tough and resistance but eventually surrender to the charms of these amazing men, and this amazing family.

Seriously. You wanted to jump in the pages and be there for every kiss, touch, and intimate moment.

Many of readers have been anxiously awaiting book seven of the series, Breathe With Me. And now it’s here!

It tells the story of Luke Williams hot brother Mark, and he reuniting with the high school sweetheart who broke his heart.

The ‘With Me In Seattle” book order goes like this:
Come Away With Me
Fight With Me
Play With Me
Rock With Me
Under The Mistletoe (novella)
Safe With Me
Tied With Me
Breathe With Me

She is also author of the Love Under the Big Sky Series:
Book 1: Loving Cara
Book 2: Seducing Lauren (Out August 19, 2014. Pre-order here)

Connect with Kristen Proby:

Books By Kristen Proby on Facebook.

Kristen Proby on Goodreads.com

Kristen Proby on Twitter

Kristen Proby Website and Blog

Video: E.L. James Interviewed on The Today Show Back in April 2012

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You will enjoy this interview with E.L. James at the start of the Fifty Shades of Grey worldwide explosion.

This interview was conducted before the film was made, and when the film deal was first put into place.

More than years later, The Today Show will reveal the first glimpse of the Fifty Shades of Grey film trailer on July 24, 2014.

Is It Wrong to Peek at Jamie Dornan’s Privates?

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Naked photos of Jamie Dornan are on the Internet for all to see. He apparently has no issues baring his penis. He has been quoted as saying he is completely comfortable with nudity.

That’s a good thing if you are starring as Christian Grey.

With the release of the official Fifty Shades of Grey movie trailer this Thursday, everyone is going to be interested in seeing Jamie Dornan naked, right?

Most of us have seen us at least almost naked. Or in his undies. Definitely with his chest bared. Often in sexy poses with hot women.

And some of us have already seen his, um, penis, right?

Yes, because it has been posted on the internet for years.

We found the photos back when Jamie was announced as Christian Grey. But I never posted or shared.

I have held off in the past because I thought it may be considered tacky.

But perhaps it is time since the fan site JamieDornanOnline.com has revealed several of them. They are sharing a naked shoot by Alas & Piggott in their online gallery.

Jamieposed for these photos so I guess it is okay to share. Jamie posed for these so he must be very comfortable in his own body and in his own sexuality.

You can find a clear shot of the new Christian Grey’s lower extremities here.

He is a beautiful man and has a beautiful body.

Don’t shoot the messenger for being tacky. We are just sharing the news.

READER POLL: How Hot Do You Like Your Sex In Books?

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Participate anonymously in our reader survey and let us know how hot you like sex in your books. You can choose more than one answer.

Listen Live Today: How To Bring Erotic Play Into Your Love Life

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APRIL 5, 2014: You can hear me today at 3 pm Pacific Time. “Embracing Your Fantasies: How To Bring Erotic Play Into Your Love Life” is the expert panel and seminar I did with Reid Mihalko & Dr. Tammy Nelson.

I spoke about the erotic romance revolution and how books like Fifty Shades of Grey and other hot reads can enhance your appetite for sensual play and spice up your love life. All the experts in this workshop gave ideas on how to bring more play and eroticism into your life.

REGISTER HERE FOR FREE!

So excited to be part of The Art of Love Relationship Series, that started April 1 and kicked off 9 days of free online seminars and expert panels about love, sex, and romance.

Here’s Some Information on ‘Embracing Your Fantasies:

One of the greatest myths for couples is the pervasive belief that if you work on your relationship, the sex will take care of itself. Actually, the opposite is often true! Discover how investing time and energy into your sex life can make the relationship itself so much stronger.

You’ll also learn:

  • The #1 thing couples should establish to achieve more orgasms
  • How to ask your partner for something new (without making him feel like he’s failed)
  • The #1 reason people are sometimes hesitant to share their fantasies (judgment isn’t it!)
  • How to handle an erotica attempt “gone bad” in a way that brings you closer
  • The ultimate secret to changing your sex life — right away!
  • About the Pros on the Panel:

    Reid Mihalko
    Sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko helps adults create more self-esteem, self-confidence and greater health in their relationships and sex lives using an inspiring mixture of humor and knowledge. He has appeared in media such as Our America With Lisa Ling on the Oprah Winfrey Network, the Emmy award-winning talk show Montel, Fox News, Newsweek, Seventeen, GQ, and The Washington Post.

    Charlotte Rose
    Charlotte Rose is a sex and relationships journalist and columnist. As a journalist and author, she has been covering love, sexuality, romance, and relationships for more than 20 years. She is a former editor at Playgirl Magazine and is an author in the erotic romance genre.

    Dr. Tammy Nelson
    Dr. Tammy Nelson is a sex and relationship expert, an international speaker, an author and a licensed psychotherapist with almost three decades of experience working with individuals and couples. She is the author of Getting the Sex You Want and The New Monogamy. Dr Tammy works everyday to create connected couples to move the world toward global relational change.

    Here’s the Structure of the Program and What to Do:

    Sign-up Here.

    The Art of Love Relationship Series will kick off with a LIVE call featuring a very special surprise guest on Tuesday, April 1st at 5:30 PM Pacific / 8:30 PM Eastern.

    Then for eight consecutive days after the LIVE kick-off call, starting Wednesday, April 2nd through Wednesday, April 9th, we’ll be releasing at least four audio seminars daily at 12 PM Pacific / 3 PM Eastern. These seminars will be available for 24 hours starting at 12 PM Pacific / 3 PM Eastern each day, so you’ll have easy access to all the material regardless of your time zone.

    Each day of the event, we’ll send you an email with a link to a webpage that contains all the information you’ll need to participate, including a link to that day’s seminar presentations.

    This is an online event you’ll attend virtually using your own computer and an online audio player. And there’s no need to download software. We’ll provide everything you need to access each seminar for free.

    If You Can’t Participate in all of the Sessions or would rather purchase MP3s to listen to in your car or at home on your own schedule, there is a special offer for purchasing this workshop and others in the series.

    Unlock the Door To a More Satisfying Love Life Now. Sign up for Free!