A Real Christian Grey Talks About BDSM and Fifty Shades

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By A.C. Rose

As fans get ready for a peek into the Red Room of Pain with the release of the film adaption of Fifty Shade Darker, seems like a good time for a little sneak peek into the life of a real dominant. I located such a man in San Francisco and asked him to, um, enlighten me.

Danarama, as he is known in BDSM circles, is not a billionaire who looks like Jamie Dornan, but he is an experienced Master who has lived the BDSM (Bondage & Discipline, Sadomasochism) lifestyle for over 25 years and now teaches kinky sex techniques in instructional videos. Part of his mission is to show people how to act out their favorite parts of Fifty Shades of Grey via a collection of instructional videos called 50 Skills of Grey.

A former VP of Marketing for small companies, Danorama went from working in a vanilla corporate world to teaching about kink and pleasure. His rope skills originated in his rock climbing days and grew over 12 years as part of the rope bondage instruction duo Two Knotty Boys. These days he considers himself a BDSM generalist — instructing on everything from the importance of a woman’s g-spot (and how to find it!) to how to learn Fifty Shades of Grey impact play — which may include a riding crop, a flogger, a belt, and a spanking.

I interviewed Danarama for CafeMom about the life of a dominant and his thoughts on Fifty Shades of Grey when the first movie came out.

What exactly is a male dominant?
A male dominant — or the female equivalent, a dominatrix — is someone who takes the “top” role in a consensual power exchange relationship or play session, usually between two persons where one is dominant and the other submissive or “bottom,” or one is sadistic (enjoys inflicting pain) while the other masochistic (enjoys receiving pain). At the upper end of this dynamic, one is the Master and the other enjoys serving as a slave.

How does one decide to become a Dom, anyway?
People discover their desire for this type of interaction and decide on their role through any number of ways. Many in the BDSM lifestyle can point to a seminal moment in their lives when they realized that kinky or dominant/submissive concepts appealed to them. Whether it was a scene in a movie they saw, or while playing role-based or physical games, or dreams and fantasies, or even through the suggestion of their lover, there is usually a moment or series of moments that the person found distinctly arousing. It may take them years to explore those feelings and seek more, but once the genie is out of the bottle, many find their wishes come true if they find a compatible partner in the complementary role.

So, did you actually read Fifty Shades of Grey?
Yes. I’ve read the novel Fifty Shades of Grey … I wanted to compare its fiction to the reality of BDSM, educate its readers about the techniques depicted, and correct any misconceptions or inaccuracies the book puts forth. In fact, Kink University created a 14-part video series that specifically explains these skills and concepts.

We’ve heard a lot about ‘vanilla sex’ as compared to kinky sex, do the twains ever meet for you? Do you only enjoy BDSM or do you splash in a little vanilla romance from time to time?
BDSM is simply part of the entire spectrum of lifestyle and romance in my life. That’s how it is for most people. Sure, I like a good, hard, kinky sex session — but making sweet, tender love with my partner is equally awesome. That’s the nice thing about BDSM. It only adds to your available repertoire of sensuality. You don’t have to give anything up — even vanilla sex in the missionary position and the lights off, if that’s what gets you both off.

Maybe you can enlighten us on some of the sex play in the book, such as blindfolding, spanking, handcuffing, getting tied up, using a riding crop, sex toys, and of course, silver balls. Are those items you have or would use with a submissive?
These are all pretty basic tools of the trade, so yes, I have used all of these — sometimes in the same session. You can see how these very tools and toys are used in actual BDSM encounters by watching our new how-to tutorials on 50 Skills of Grey. The wonderful thing about these items is they add a whole new dynamic spectrum to sensuality. The more of these tools you can enjoyably use in an encounter, the more diverse your passion can be. That’s one of the nice things about BDSM. It gives couples more to do. It makes things less boring because there’s always something else to share. And if you or your partner winds up not liking one tool, toy, or game, there are so many other things to try. BDSM takes the ceiling off of passion.

There have been some complaints from the BDSM world that Christian Grey misrepresents the true role of a dominant. What are your thoughts?
I don’t think he misrepresented being a dominant. It’s just that most dominants are more passionate about their dominance and would not settle for a partner who seemed as tentative about submitting, especially in a city like Seattle where eager submissives abound. For someone who claims his “tastes are very singular,” he certainly sells himself short — and that’s a rare trait for a dominant.

In your world, what Fifty Shades-inspired kink are women and couples seeking to learn?
That’s as widely varied as the women themselves. In my experience, most of the women who are drawn to the submissive role in BDSM are very strong, intelligent individuals who control a lot in their lives. They are career women, mothers, health care workers, even teachers. What they get from a submissive BDSM dynamic is the release — or the challenge — of relinquishing control to another. Couples should always be looking for ways to keep passion and sex fresh, and Fifty Shades of Grey makes a good starting point for exploring ways kink can add to their romantic repertoire.

One of the ways Christian kept Ana on the edge was she never knew what he would do next. How much is the creation of anticipation part of a real Dom’s experience?
That depends on the encounter. Sometimes a couple agrees to do a specific type of scene, be it a rope suspension, needle play, or spanking. In these cases, surprises are not always safe or even welcome. However, building anticipation can be a wonderful part of a free-form scene, where improvisation — within the submissive’s limits — creates a very dynamic experience. This is especially easy to do using sensory deprivation techniques, such as blindfolds.

For the unenlightened, what does it feel like to dominate someone?
Dominants experience different rewards or feelings from engaging in BDSM. For sadists, some find a cathartic and physical release of stress by taking out aggression upon a consenting partners who enjoy experiencing pain for their own catharsis or other reasons. Good BDSM is always symbiotic like that. Other dominants are more service-oriented, playing their role or plying their craft as a form of expression, approval, or even for the fulfillment of their submissive. Still others enjoy the power they feel at being able to control another’s sensations, actions, lifestyle choices, or sexuality — in a way that’s desired by their submissive. That consensual quid pro quo is what makes BDSM different from abuse. It’s honestly enjoyed by both.

Have you ever had a contract with a sub? How do you make agreements?
Yes, I have had such contracts, but usually a contract indicates ownership, such as the terms between a Master and slave. In typical arrangements which are less formal, couples negotiate on the activities, toys, and their limits. Negotiating can be as simple as a brief conversation before a scene, or as thorough as completing a long negotiation form where each topic, item, and limit is spelled out.

Does sex play in your role as a Dom usually culminate in a penetrative sexual experience? Or oral sex? Or an orgasm? In general, for your or your partner, is that a final goal?
In BDSM, sexual contact, like any aspect of the play, is negotiated and consented to beforehand and even during the encounter. When I do BDSM with my lovers, it usually involves sex. However, when I am doing BDSM activities such as rope bondage or impact play, in a more public setting or with a new partner, this almost never involves any type of sexual contact.

Learn more: Catch Danarama in action any given day at KinkUniversity.com and, also, 50SkillsofGrey.com.

Written by A.C. Rose for The Stir. A.C. Rose is a sex and love columnist and author of erotic romances. Her latest book is AROUSAL.

 

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Hilarious Video! Gay Men Analyze ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

You have to watch this video, “Fifty Shades of Gay.”

I am laughing my ass off. Someone gathered a group of gay men to read from and comment on Fifty Shades of Grey. Their natural reaction to talking about Christian Grey’s erection, Ana Steele’s “sex,” blow jobs, anal beads, and all the eroticism in the book is hilarious.

Video: Fifty Shades of Grey Kitten Trailer

Someone spoofed the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer using little pussy cats. See it here.

But will pet lovers now be in an uproar? Will Fifty fans think it childish? Or will they just relax, enjoy, and meow?

See more here at Buzzfeed.

Video: Fifty Shades of Frozen in New Fan-Made Vid

Oh. My. God. You kind of have to see this. A fan took edited the beloved characters in Frozen into a believable Disney version of the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer.

As Digital Spy reported today, “Princess Anna and Prince Hans step into the roles of Ana Steele and Christian Grey when the original 50 Shades trailer audio is played over Frozen clips.”

Hey, we don’t done it, but we have to report the news.

What do you think. Is it fun and charming, or sacrilege to mess with beloved characters our kids adore and turn them into Ana and Christian?

One viewer reported that it was “scary how well” the Frozen video fit with the Fifty Shades of Grey dialog.

This in not the first time a fan has tinkered with either iconic movie.

Video: ‘My Mistress” Could Be Christian Grey in the Mrs. Robinson Years

Oh. My. God. This trailer for the film, “The Mistress,” is going to look VERY FAMILIAR to Fifty Shades of Grey Fans. It is due out this year.

It features a young man, a (French) dominatrix, and a forbidden lust, love, submission, etc. It begins as an affair, (hence, The Mistress) but she is really into pain (Oh, that kind of Mistress) and he apparently is happy to be her sub–until things get dangerous.

According to The Frisky, It tells the story of a female dominatrix who specializes in pain, and her submissive partner Charlie, a 16-year-old boy going through family troubles. While Maggie (the dom) begins to realize her relationship with Charlie is becoming co-dependent, loving and intense, they’re forced to hide their arrangement to prevent others from finding out.”

The report says that this is, “Essentially, it’s Fifty Shades in reverse.” But those of us who have actually read the books know that this is more like a pre-quel to Fifty Shades.

It features a 16 year old male character (Christian was 15 when “Mrs. Robinson” first got her hands on him) so, this may be very upsetting to some. And we in no shape or form condone sexual abuse of minors or sexual activities that can damage their developing emotions.

That said, this looks very hot. And like something Fifty Shades of Grey fans may want to check out.

Harrison Gilbertson is the male lead. He is, in reality, 21 years old. Thank goodness. But he plays 16 well.

Harrison Gilbert

See the details on the IMBd page.

Media: Please Stop Dissing the Fifty Shades of Grey Trailer and Books

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By. A.C. Rose

I’ve been reading some of the media reviews of the trailer, and other Fifty Shades stories since the release of the the trailer, and I am so sick of haters.

If you don’t get it, if you don’t care for the actors, if you think the book sucks… then move on. Read something else. See a different movie.

I think it is fair enough if a true fan is disappointed by the trailer or actors and needs to share that. I don’t care for nasty comments, but at least the readers have a right to voice their opinions. They are invested in the book and the characters. They love the book and the characters. They get the book and characters. And they had a different picture in mind.

But I take issue with the constant negativity from non-fans of Fifty, and people who have not read (or read and not enjoyed) the book but can’t seem to stop from insulting it.

Do they realize they are insulting 100 million readers. Insulting their intelligence. Insulting their judgement. Insulting their taste.

I saw a thread on a women’s spirituality site where the leader made a negative comment and 100 people who had never read the book jumped on and agreed.

Look, Christian Grey did some crazy shit in the books. But he also transformed and grew. And he learned to love. And he was amazing in bed. And Ana and Christian shared an extraordinary love story. She grew and became strong. Everybody won in the end. Most of all, these two tantalized us and captured our imagination.

The trailer is not perfect, the movie won’t be, because nothing is. Nothing in the world can be as magical as the first time you fall in love with a character. However, those who love the characters and are willing to give it a chance, will love to see those characters come alive, speak the words, act out the scenes.

It is hard to make a movie based on an iconic book and characters. But I am at least happy someone tried and that I will have a chance to go see it.

Critics will continue to abound because they get page views by running stories about Fifty Shades of Grey. But, in the spectrum of things, do we really give a hoot is Suzie Do and So from the Daily News doesn’t care for the trailer? Or if a mom blogger thought it sucked.

No. Because we will still plunk down our dollars to see the film, buy the DVD, and we will talk about it endlessly. Until movie two goes into production.

Rant over. Peace out.

VIdeo: Today Show Segment and Interviews on the Set of FIFTY SHADES

After the trailer reveal yesterday, TODAY followed up with a segment on the set Fifty Shades of Grey.

See the entire feature segment here:

Natalie Moralies interviews E.L. James, about Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, about how much heat we can expect in the movie.

E.L. James fans herself and says she things people will be happy with the film.

Image copyright of The Today Show

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